Friday, October 22, 2010

The Dating Game : OB/GYN Stories

I got hit on by a woman. 

Okay, well, I guess if you really knew me, then you would know that's not really a big deal to me. I used to work at the gay bar in town and I have several gay and lesbian friends.  So, it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. 

Most of the time. This was the exception.

I got hit on by a woman in the waiting room at my OB/GYN's office.

Kinda awkward, right? But, wait. It gets better.

I got hit on by a woman at my OB/GYN's office when I was like 19 months pregnant with Grayson. 

See? I told you.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't exactly 19 months pregnant. I'm no elephant with a 22 month gestation period. But, you get the point. I was pretty far along. My doctor's visit's were now occurring weekly.

Everything with the pregnancy was going smoothly at this point, so I was alone for my appointment on this particular day. I walked into the office,  made small talk with the receptionist who knew me well by now as I signed in, and took a seat.

I was the only one in the very large waiting room.  I had managed to successfully position myself in the world's most uncomfortable chair when the door from the hallway opened.  It was not the nurse calling me back for my exam as I had expected.  It was a girl who looked to be about my age. She was dressed in a tank top that was easily two or three sizes too small and a denim skirt that was so short that the doctor wouldn't have had to put her in stirrups to see her cervix.

She was loud and chatty - that kind of obnoxiously loudness that shares way too much personal information with everyone. She was mad. And apparently she had a "really bad yeast infection that just wouldn't go away."   And she was coming directly at me. Awesome. There were literally like 30 other seats available. I was the only one in the waiting room. And was going to sit directly next to me -not even putting the courtesy seat in between us.

"Hi. I'm Michelle.* " (names have been changed only because I have no idea what her real name was. It was like 3 years ago, people.)


"I can't believe this. I just had a c-section, like 11 months ago, and now I have a really bad yeast infection and it's taking for-evvvver to get anything done here. They're really nice, but they can be kind of slow. Oh-em-gee! Are you with child?!"

Is this girl for real? I don't know her, do I?  With child?!  Did she just ask me that? No, I'm smuggling cantaloupes under my shirt. "Guilty."

"Aw. That's so awesome. I just had a baby, too. Are you married?"

"Yep.  Just over a year now."

"Are you married to a man?"

This is ludicrous. Okay, there is a hidden camera here somewhere and someone is laughing at me. I am being filmed.  Is Ashton Kutcher gonna come out from that door with cameras? (Remember, this is 2007, people.) "Um, yeah. I'm married to a man."

"So, is the baby his?"

Who in the holy hell is this girl? And more importantly, this nitwit has a kid!?! Oh, dear god.  "Yes. It's my husband's baby."

"You're really beautiful. You have that pregnancy glow about you. It's really nice on you."

Is this really happening? Is she....hitting on me? REALLY? This is awesome. I'm getting hit on. By a chick.  Who has a yeast infection.  Oh, Swoon swoon! Be still my heart! 

"Oh, uh, thanks."  

"So, I guess that means you're straight then."

Yes! Didn't I make that abundantly clear when I said I was married to a man!? Isn't that how it works?

"As an arrow."

By this point, the receptionist had an idea of what was going on and rescued me by calling me up to the desk.  I got up and the girl next to me said,  "Well, honey..." She leaned in way too close for comfort. "If you ever decide to go the other way and switch teams, you just give me a call. The lady there at the desk has my number."

I didn't respond. I didn't know how. This was honestly one of the few times that I was dumbfounded with absolutely nothing to say. Nothing nice or polite and there wasn't that narrative of my usual thoughts and insults running through my mind that I could inappropriately blurt out.


Mrs. Snugglebunny said...

ahahaha worst thing is the yeast infection!

Stacey said...

I know, right? That's totally not attractive! Lol!

SuziG said...

bwahahahaha! That's awful, hilariously awful, but awful! I would've told her that picking up people in the doctor's office, not knowing them, is likely how she got a nasty infection that won't go away!