Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Essentials Every Man Should Know About Women

Beware the vagina, because it can read minds. You should also listen very closely to the vagina.
It is a storyteller and a dreamer of dreams.

We are less afraid of aging than of you watching us age.

We almost always know when you're full of shit.

Through a little practice and thousands of years of evolution, the female species has mastered the art of convincing men that it was you, not us, who made the last decision.

We're good at forgiving. Not so good at forgetting.

Cologne should be enjoyed only by the woman lying on your chest.

Occasionally we may dismiss your compliments on our beauty as mere obligation. Just know that even though we may not show it, your words still go a long way.

Making us laugh is sexy. Making us laugh while opening the door for us is sexier.

Let us catch you looking at us.

All we want is to be cherished and to know that you have our backs.

If you want to see us naked more often, turn up the damn thermostat.

We can pee standing up, but it's not pretty.

If you would just listen to us, we'd shut up.

You would be crazy, too, if your insides fell out every twenty-eight days.

You should show a mammoth appreciation for every square inch of our soft, hairless bodies. Waxing hurts like a motherfucker!

We think about sex as much as you do, maybe more. We are simply covert about it.

When we're fighting about the toothpaste cap, we're not really fighting about the toothpaste cap. We're fighting about that thing that happened three or four months ago at what's-his-face's house when you neglected that major issue we have—which, by the way, is fundamental.

We're actually stronger than you think, so even though we may cry more than you do, we're way more resilient.

When you tell us about a business lunch you had with a woman, it's a good idea to tell us that she's fat, ugly, old, or a lesbian. Preferably all of them.

PMS is real. It's chemical, and it sucks. If someone told you that every thirty days you were going to get jacked repeatedly in the nuts, you'd be pissy around day twenty-six, too.

Next time a woman is acting crazy, break into applause and see what happens.

You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper.



You're welcome.



3 comments:

Sarah said...

I am SO into this!!!

lhunt212 said...

Love it!

Aleah said...

Too awesome, and so true!!!

One caveat:
Yes, we forgive, and forgetting is hard. What they should also know that between the objectionable incident and the apology, they have been (mentally) run over, had their legs broken, been tied up and had a blow torch aimed at their dangly bits, and had their thoughtless male tongues yanked out of their heads and smacked with it. Remember this when Wife (or Girlfriend, or *snickers* Boyfriend) smiles, offers a cheek for a kiss of apology, and says "Oh dear heart; I haven't even thought of it since it happened!"

And should the Objectionable Event occur on day 26 or so...well, juries have been hung on less :D