Monday, November 1, 2010

I'm in love with a stripper?

God bless the public health system - without them some of these blogs simply wouldn't exist. 
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On one occassion, I went to the county health department for an appointment.  My appointment time was for 1:00, but I went right after work and arrived early with hopes of getting in and out a bit quicker.  (I hate waiting.)
I walked into the building and quickly assessed the waiting room in an attempt to determine how  many people were actually in front of me in line. The place was packed.  Friggin' great. 
There was an elderly couple filling out paperwork.  There were several teenage girls. There were a couple of women (who were apparently friends) that had 5 kids all under the age of 4 with them. (Hey, let's schedule our appointments at the same time and take all 5 kids with us! Playdate!) And a brave soul with his 4 small children, the youngest of which was 2 weeks. 
The women with the gaggle of demon-spawn children were the loudly conversing type. At the end of this misadventure, I knew the kids' ages, birthdays, that the oldest had been wrongfully sent home from school for wearing a shirt that had the word "shit" on it, the middle one's daddy ran off with an 8-toed hog-caller named Beulah and a family medical history that included gout, nipple discharge, enlarged prostate, and a pubic lice infestation. Okay, so one of those things I made up. I'll let you determine which one is the falsification. 
The kids were hellions. And that's saying it nicely. While Mom and Companion were discussing the aforementioned issues, they were running around, screaming, throwing toys, running in and out of the bathrooms, hell, one may have robbed a liquor store, too, I'm not sure. There was a whole lot of chaos going on in that waiting room.  Of course, Mom and Companion would yell the obligatory "Get down off of there!" "Get that out of your mouth!" "No! no! She don't want a Titty Twister!" You know, the standard Mom-isms.  At one point, Mom did actually get up to retrieve one of the toddlers from opening the door to go out into the parking lot. When she did, she revealed to all of God's creation that she was pregnant.  It was made apparent by the t-shirt with red foil lips emblazoned on it that read "All knocked up and nowhere to go." 
The lone man with his 4 young offspring had been on his cell phone to his girlfriend trying to get information and vaccination records for the kids. I know this because anyone that was in a 2 mile radius of this guy could hear him informing her of what he needed.  He promptly ended the phonecall with an "Okay, call me back" and when he did, Preggers put her game face on. It was flirtin' time.  "You look awful familiar to me," she told him. "It's so embarrassing. I should remember when I'd seen such a good lookin' may-uhn."
Ew. I was squirming in all the awkwardness.  What was worse, Duder was eating it up.  Ew, with a side of blech.  It was like a bad car accident, you didn't really want to look, but you just had to.  And then, Bumpkin Dating Game got better.  His cell phone rang - to the tone of "I'm in Love With a Stripper." I'm not kidding. It was Baby Mama calling back about those darn vaccination records for the kids.  This did not sway Preggers in her flirtatious attempts to pick up Duder in the waiting room of the local health department.  I was in Awkward Agony. While the exchange of phone numbers took place (Seriously, there are enough kids for a basketball team between them - is this really a good idea?) I was finally relieved and the nurse called me back.  I could see the girls behind the reception area snickering, as they, too, were thoroughly amused at what was taking place. Going to the county health department is always a pain. It takes forever, and they're never on time, but at least it gives me some decent content to work with! 




Like this Health Department Tale? Stay tuned. I have another. And it involves tap dancing.


5 comments:

Mrs. Snugglebunny said...

ahahaha nice tale

Christopher said...

I've heard this story I swear 15 times and it's still pretty funny.

Stacey said...

WOOHOOO!! Husband DOES comment!

kimmi said...

I second that Ew with a side of blech. And a good ol' yehaw thrown in. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.....

SuziG said...

I'm with Kimmi...