Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Just Around the Corner

'Tis the season for holiday shopping.  What? What's that you say? It's not even Thanksgiving yet and you're already babbling about Christmas? Yes, indeed. 39 more shopping days until the big day.  I bought my first present yesterday, which for me is early.  Last year I did most of my shopping online. Most of the stores had sales on their websites on Black Friday, so I sat in the comfort of my office chair at work, sipping coffee and not waiting in long, ridiculous lines or getting plowed into by maniacs in motorized shopping carts and I made purchases when I had a chance.

I like to shop online. It's by far a favorite past-time of mine. I can sit in my pajamas and shop and not end up on a website like People of Wal-Mart!? Um, yes. Sign me up. If it were an Olympic sport, I'd be a medalist.  While I peruse the holiday gift-giving offerings this year, I find myself once again marveling at the many items that are actually for sale. I find myself wondering more often than not, who could possibly think, "This! This! This is brilliant! Let's market it. People would totally buy this!" and then I try to envision the kind of people who would buy these things. 

So, just so we're all on the same page here, and so no one out there ends up with a really really terrible gift, I have compiled this list for you, dear readers, of things you should avoid buying this Christmas. (Or birthdays or bat mitzvahs or baby showers or anything else that might heed a gift on your behalf.)

1.)  Basket Case - "The only thing better than shooting hoops at work is shooting hoops with the basket strapped to your co-worker's head." No. I can think of about a thousand things better than that. Like being at home and not at work in the first place. Which, coincidentally, you will probably find yourself spending alot more time at home if the boss catches you and Co-Worker playing this stupid game. Take at look at the man's face. Where is his co-worker?

2.) Spinning Fork - It's a motorized fork that spins around. This is the perfect gift for the pasta lover on your list who is also too lazy to move their fork! Maybe next year they'll invent a fork that actually moves to your mouth by itself, too. That'd be great. I always break a sweat when eating my spaghetti. Finally, something that caters to my needs.

3.) 2011 Mathematics Calendar - There's a math problem to be solved every day in this calendar. For the love of God, WHY?!

4.) Dog Turd Candle - It's a candle that looks like dog turd. Nothing warms your home on a cold, snowy day like the smell of a dog poop candle flickering in the evening.

5.) Flying Monkey - I admit the name of this product is a bit misleading because a true flying monkey would make for a fantastic Christmas morning. This, however, does not fantastic Christmas morning make. What could me more fun than a flying monkey? A flying monkey that screams! You slingshot this thing across the room, and violia! Flying screaming monkey.  No. It's still a bad gift idea.


Aleah said...

I'm getting voodoo dolls for my closest and best friends. Along with DNA samples from my furthest and worst ;)

lhunt212 said...

There was a guy in my last office that had the flying monkey It was incredibly annoying and he felt was necessary to sling shot it at the cashiers as they were answering phones and talking to customers.

Stacey said...

I have seen advertisements in magazines for that damn flying monkey like 3 times! WTH?