Friday, November 5, 2010

Words of Wisdom from My Granny - Part 1

My great grandmother is still alive. She is in her nineties and is still as boisterous as she's ever been. She has always had a knack for telling people exactly - and I mean exactly - how she feels about them. She's not shy to say anything, no matter how many people, races, animal species, and/or politicians she might offend in the process. God love her.


It's said that she practices black magic. At the risk of sounding like a fruit-loop here, I'm going to say I believe it. It's well known in our family, that if you piss Granny off, you'll end up with a wart on your hand. And no matter what you do or how many medications or creams you use, it will not go away until you've reconciled with her.  I know, it sounds crazy, but I've seen it happen so many times.   She is known to heal people (I use the term "heal", but I don't mean she can cure cancer. I'm talking about minor things - like the sniffles) by using a piece of string and whispering a slew of words in your ear, that if you dare repeat, will cause your ailment to return.  Weird? Oh hell, yes. But 100%  true.  Seriously, if you've been reading my blog, do you really think that I would be using this brilliant mind making up a story about my great grandmother and her magical properties? Okay, don't answer that, but I'm not making this up. If I'm lying I'm dying.


She still enjoys playing Bingo - and can win anything. I'm not sure if her mystical prowess has anything to do with it or not. She's won money, vehicles, vacations, all kinds of stuff. The woman is unstoppable.


Back in her young days when she was working, she caught one of her hands in a press machine and cut off all of her fingers at the knuckle. She's always painted the non-existent nails.


On one occasion before, as she says "The Man took her damn driver's license away",  her and my Memaw (her daughter-in-law) were driving to the grocery store. Granny was in the driver's seat and was gabbing at my Memaw, as per usual. The traffic light that they had stopped at had changed back to green, but Granny was too busy yakking it up to notice. The gentleman in the car behind her noticed, though, and blew the horn at my Granny. My Memaw says she thought Holy, shit. (Yes, my Memaw says "shit")  This poor sap has no idea what he's done.  At the moment the unfortunate mister blew the horn, my Granny threw the car in park, took off her seatbelt and got out of the car all in one fluid motion.  She marched her 4-and-a-half-foot self back to the car behind her - all the while, the driver watching in horror as some little old blue-hair comes storming toward him.  She opened his door and loudly announced to him (and everyone else that was now in line behind them) that if he, and I quote, "Was in such a fucking hurry, he should have left the day before fucking yesterday!"  She slammed his door, walked back to her car, sat down, put her seatbelt back on, put the car in drive and then ran the damn red light.  My memaw said that was one of the last times she ever rode with my Granny.


I bet that man has never honked his horn at anyone else since. I also bet that he keeps his doors locked all the time now.  I mean, I can't say I'd blame him. I would probably have panic attacks at stoplights or whenever I saw a little old woman, had it been me she confronted like that. 


I can only imagine the stories he's told about the crazy old woman that yelled at him.


The moral of this story? Beware who you honk your horn at. You may be in for a black magical treat.


To be continued....

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