Somewhere inside me there is this little Martha Stewart dying to break free. She’s the one who wants to make cute little crafts with the leftover formula cans, I’m the one who forgets and throws all those formula cans away only to kick myself in my own ass later on when I think about it.
My inner Martha really wants to sew a blanket, a pillow, a tote bag - ANYTHING. I’m the one who gets infuriated with the my results since I am too lazy to actually measure anything. I blame my husband for this.
Who does that? Who actually thinks that something so precise and requires patterns as sewing would turn out perfectly without measuring the damn fabric!? Martha wouldn't dream of it.
My inner Martha buys picture frames to hang on the walls throughout the house. I'm the one who just leaves them lying on my desk for months with the stock photos of random families in them for months before I realize I don't have any pictures that would "look right" in them.
Martha says there is no such thing as stale bread. It's croutons! I’m the one who forgets about the loaf and it starts getting moldy.
And it was definitely me who ate all the snacky stuff that Martha bought for Grayson's lunch on our last grocery run. That’s what she gets for buying fruit roll-ups and Cheetos. Stupid bitch should know better by now.
Oh, and where are all my comments? Hello, hello? Is this thing on?