Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Eeney Meeney Miney Moe

I like to shop. Okay, so I love to shop. I spend countless hours online "window shopping" (Ha! Get it? Get it? Window shopping!? Because I'm online...*snort*...Ah, I'm such a comedian...)  I'm extraordinarily picky when it comes to shopping for clothes, or shoes, or accessories.  It never fails, if I'm looking for a particular piece - I will never find it - or even worse, I will find it, it will be on sale, but they don't have my size. It's infuriating.
I also shop in spurts. When I do go out shopping, it's only after I've spent an umpteen number of hours scrolling through pages and pages of tops, blouses, tank tops, sleeveless shirts, long-sleeved shirts, cardigans, sweaters, pull-overs....Dear God, why are there so many different kinds of shirts!? This has to factor in to be a reason that women are so crazy all of the time. There are way too many friggin' choices. Men - they have t-shirts, dress shirts, and polos. And all are acceptable attire at pretty much any given time. The most thought that goes into their ensemble for the day is Eeney Meeney Miney Moe.   But, I digress.  Back to the topic at hand.
I tend to shop for one thing at a time rather than an outfit. A shirt here, a pair of pants there, a necklace or a watch, or a pair of peep-toe booties. It's exhausting. You see, I am extraordinarily picky. And I do mean extraordinarily. With my criteria, I just don't have the strength to shop for more than one thing at a time.  I shop for an item with an enormous requirement list before I will even consider buying it. I want a thin 3/4 length sleeve button down ruffly cardigan in white. Not off white. Not beige. Not eggshell. White. And nothing too thick. I want it to be flowy and semi-sheer. 

Ooh! Yeah! Like that! That's perfect!  So, what's the problem, Stacey? You found what you were looking for. Yeah, I did. And the store is sold out. So, I went to the website - and they are out of my size! The hell? The WEBSITE IS OUT OF MY SIZE. You see what I mean?! There is no physical way possible for me to buy this unless I just happen upon it at a consignment store. And, let's face it, I am not that lucky. That cardigan is way too cute to be at a consignment store long enough for me to get there.

This is why I'm such a pain in the ass to go shopping with. I almost always leave the mall empty handed and feeling terrible about myself. Retail Stores of America, can we PLEASE get some better damn lighting in the fitting rooms!? Fluorescent light flatters no one. Kate Moss would look obese in some of the fitting rooms I've been in - not that Kate Moss would ever find herself in a grungy JC Penney's fitting room with the walls decorated in sharpie marker that declares "Amanda *hearts* Adam 4-Evah" .... But, I mean, if you want me to buy your ridiculously priced clothes, then perhaps some lights that don't show every single pore and wrinkle on my face might increase your revenue. Just sayin'. 

So, what is it exactly that you are shopping for now, Stacey? Well, I'm glad you asked, Dear Readers.  My current shopping woe is a bathing suit.
You think I was picky with that cardigan? Oh, Dear Readers, my checklist for an acceptable bathing suit actually has more pages than the Universal Health Care Reform Act.
But, by some miracle, I have actually found a bathing suit that I want. I must have. I love it. It's perfect - or at least it's perfect on the internet. So, here's the part where I would go to the store looking for this particular perfect suit to try on in the horribly lit fitting rooms.
And this a big but (No, not mine, thank you very much.)
There are no stores for me to actually go to try the suit on before I drop the money on one.  GAH.
I know.  The lunacy. This is my life.  It's not the manufacturer's fault - there are actual store fronts, just none around my little podunk town.
So, here it is less than a month away from vacation and I still haven't ordered the stinking swim suit yet. Yes, I know, I need to get on it - because inevitably I will order the wrong size and have to send it back which I will  then be playing Beat the Clock to get the suit that fits before we head out for vacation.
Okay, so I may have told a bit of a fib. I did find a suit that I like.  Well, technically, I found a brand of a suit that I think I like by looking at their webpage.......  Now, I'm having trouble what to get.  Last year, after having a baby in March, when swim suit season came around, I swore that I would never ever buy another string bikini again.  No way.  For starters, I just don't have the body. Nobody wants to see that. It needs to be covered up. Yes, I am petite, but petite people can still be lumpy, that's all I'm saying. Secondly, when you have kids and you put on a swim suit for any reason, you are fully expected to get in the water and actually participate. A string bikini in a pool full of kids while you're trying to hold onto your baby who's just discovered pulling loose strings = Girls Gone Wild! Woohoo!  And, I'm way too old for that. Like I said, nobody wants to see that.
So, I said NO STRING BIKINIS. (I also said no more black bathing suits, as I'm trying to step outside of my box of buying too much black. I need some color in my wardrobe.)
And, then I find this swimming attire online establishment.  Oh, Voda Swim, how your website and your promises make me happy! Your bathing suit tops will ADD 2 CUP SIZES!?! Yes, please!!  I've wasted browsed for hours on this website, and while they offer a pretty decent selection of styles and prints, one would think there's not that many listed to spend that much time looking at.  Oh, yes there is.  Folks, I have looked at this website almost daily for the past 2 weeks since I stumbled across it.  I've gone back and forth between buying one and not buying anything. And buying this kind or that kind or no, kind #1 again.
And here I am, credit card in hand, ready to make a purchase, and I CAN'T FREAKING DECIDE WHICH ONE TO BUY!
Of course, the one bathing suit I fell in love with is a friggin' string bikini, and the other one is black. See, I told you. This is my life. Infuriating.
The husband is really no help, declaring "Babe, they all look the same to me. Get whatever you want, dear."  I think what that translates to is "Boobies. Boobies. Boobies."
So, once again, here I am. Stuck. Trying to decide which dang suit to buy.
Wanna see what I have it narrowed down to? Well, tough titties, because you're going to see anyway.

Here's the one that I really like, but it's a string bikini:

And here's the one in black that I like:

Decisions, decisions. Maybe I'll just try doing Eeney Meeney Miney Moe.

1 comment:

oomph. said...

bathing suits are tough! last year i was faced with this dilemma, so i ended up buying the two suits i liked! glad i did...still love 'em both!