Saturday, June 4, 2011

Orville Reddenbacher to the rescue

This should've been posted yesterday because yesterday was Friday. And you know what happens on Fridays? Fawk You Friday! I've linked up with Boobies Babies and a Blog to post a rant. She does it every Friday, so feel free to mosey over there and check her out! That being said, here's my belated post.

Fawk You: Grocery Shopping

I really need to go the grocery. I mean, really need to go to the grocery.  We need the essentials. We're out of toilet paper, bread, almost out of milk, and I just finished off the last of Ben N Jerry's Karamel Sutra deliciousness. So, I really need to go.
However, Chris is at work, so it's just me and the two spawn at home right now.  I would rather be tied to a chair with my eyelids taped open forced to do trigonometry than take my kids grocery shopping alone.  Oh, yeah, I take them all the time to run in and pick up a few things, but this will be a big trip - and this is not a mission I am willing to accept anytime soon.
I only have two kids. I only have two kids. I only have two kids.  I have two very active kids. They are full of energy and if I could figure out a way to bottle it and sell it, I'd be a millionaire.  It exhausts me just thinking about it. But, sometimes, even with my "only two" toddlers, I feel like I'd be better at herding chickens.
A trip to Wal-Mart is not complete without checking out the ridiculously priced Thomas the Train aisle, where my three year old proceeds to name every single train and informs me that he "needs one."  This always occurs right before a Fit.  A Fit happens when you tell your child "No" and can come in several forms: it can be crying loudly, it can be screaming, yelling "I WANT TO GO HOME!" , or my favorite, the throwing of the toy down on the floor so hard it breaks that you are now obligated to buy.
Of course, it never fails, some little old lady is giving out samples that Grayson just has to have - which he hates (it's law) and will proceed to spit-out in my hand.  (It's what moms do.) And, because the universe enjoys my misery, there is not trash can around, so now I am wrangling the children and steering the cart with one hand.  At some point, the youngest will decide that the seat in the shopping cart is no longer sufficient, and he will Houdini himself out of the safety belt and attempt to stand up. Once this starts, this becomes a game. He's either standing up or sucking on the metal bars. Yum. Can you say "Strep Throat?" Remember that handful of chewed up, disliked sampled food from Grayson earlier? Yeah, that's still there since there is nary a trash can, and I am now playing with one hand.
It's during this time that the random stuff somehow makes it way into the cart - and I don't notice it until I get home.
I certainly don't remember picking up De-Icer. I don't even remember going down an aisle that had De-Icer in it.
The shopping trip consists of me constantly saying "No" "Put that back" "GET DOWN FROM THERE!" and "You're not getting a train!" I should just record myself saying that series of phrases over and over and just hit play whenever we go grocery shopping.
If I'm lucky, I'll be out of the store in less than 6 hours and I'll spend no more than $500.
Even though I'm looking in the fridge thinking "It looks like we'll be having Mustard Ranch Dressing soup with a side of a stick of butter,"  there is not a Seratonin/Speed cocktail out there that I know about that would convince me that I could make it through a shopping trip without attempting to sell my kids to gypsies.
Looks like we'll be having popcorn for dinner.

1 comment:

Aleah said...

Dude, since I've started working again, our supper consists of the following: Night 1: McDonald's; Night 2: frozen dinner (usually nuggets and corn); Night 3: breakfast for dinner (MONKEYBREAD!) Night 4: delivery, kid's choice, Night 5: McDonald's, Night 6: macaroni and some sort of meat, and (drumroll)... Night 7: POPCORN!!

*sigh* I need a manny.