Monday, June 6, 2011

Why aren't you looking at me?!

Last night, I had a looong overdue girl's night with my sister-in-law, Sarah. I spent the afternoon taking full advantage of the situation and relished in the fact that I am girl. I fixed my hair, did my make-up, put on my new cute espadrilles that I got for $7 at Old Navy that I hadn't got to wear yet.



Cute, right?

We went to a movie (Bridesmaids - HILARIOUS! - crude and rude and I dig it!) and then for sushi.
After I dropped her off, I decided to make a pit stop at Wal-Mart to pick up some of the essentials we needed.  Really, I was just looking for an excuse to stay out just a little bit longer... but, shh.. don't tell my husband that. I mean, really, there's no need to waste all this effort to be cute. Now was the time for me to go into the store without the fear of being plastered all over People of Wal-Mart.

Now, I'm not conceited. I'm really not, but I felt good and I wanted to flaunt it. Is there really anything wrong with that? I go into the store, grab a cart and slowly meander through the store - seeing products that I never even knew existed. When you have kids - there is no casual stroll through the outdoor section, or browsing up and down my beloved hair care aisle.  I was like Encino Man - a caveman propelled into the modern world as I looked in awe and wonderment at things like Crackle nail polish, 2 hour teeth whitener, and vibrating mascara.  These are the things you miss seeing in stores when you have children.

I glanced at my watch and determined I needed to get my stuff and get home. Daddy had endured enough Guy Time with the boys and that if I didn't get home soon, there was likely to be someone duct taped to the wall as a form of entertainment.   I pushed my empty cart to the other side of the store, and yes, I noticed some glances coming from a few male patrons.  I kept going, stopping long enough to throw what I needed into the cart.  It wasn't until I made down the coffee aisle and tossed the 5 Gallon Bucket O' Coffee  (I wish it came in tubs like kitty litter) into the cart that I noticed I wasn't getting noticed. I know, I know. It's petty. It's stupid. But, alas, I am a girl, I am full of estrogen and smell of flowers and like pink things, and therefore I am always self conscious. It makes me feel good to know I look good. Don't deny it, you do it, too. And that's okay.  Speech over.  Anyway, I'm a bit perplexed.  Oh. I do have this little tiny thing of a zit on my face. But, really, from far away it looks like a beauty mark ala Cindy Crawford. Oh. It's bothering me now. I want to touch it. NO! Don't touch it, that'll just bring more attention to Mt. St. Helen's. It might be because you look a little bit crazy just standing in front of the Celestial Seasonings. Hm. I grabbed a box of Sleepy Time tea and continued my way to the check out.  I stood in line still trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Maybe I had sushi in my teeth. Maybe my underwear was coming out of the top of my pants. I checked. Nope. Maybe it was just because I was blatantly checking to see if my underwear was poking out. Maybe it was because I had a gallon of whole milk and a gallon of 2% and all these men were lactose intolerant.
And then the lady in front of me glanced in my cart and said "Oh, I remember the days my kids were in diapers."
BAM.
There it was.
The D-word.
The thing that will ward just about any guy away.
Diapers.
*BUM BUM BUUUM!*

Yep. They won't even look at you. It's like garlic to a vampire.  Like when you try to attach the wooden caboose magnet to the Edward the Engine magnet and you have the wrong ends trying to touch each other.  Or like you have put on the Cloak of Invisibility.
I'm also willing to bet that tampons in your cart would have the same effect as diapers on men.
So, ladies, if you're ever in a store and there's some creepy guy eyeballing you - grab a box of Kotex, a couple giant boxes of Huggies, some Ghirardelli chocolate and a 40 ounce can of beer and head to the checkout.  No man would dare take that challenge. They might even move outta line for you. Hey, it's worth a shot.


3 comments:

Mrs. Snugglebunny said...

too funny

Sarah Hawkins said...

First of all, you always look gorgeous but you looked super gorgeous the other night! Secondly, girl time was awesome and I gotta tell ya, I'm glad we didn't see Hangover 2. It sucked. And lastly, your Walmart stories never disappoint. :)

Anonymous said...

I can tell you have boys because you used an Edward analogy. I have spent many a day with good old Thomas and his 8 gazillion friends.